I feel like the last thing I want to do right now is to relive the pain from yesterday. But, to share it is to let it go.
The morning started with the first post-op visit to my surgeon/ENT. I told him I'd been feeling so sick and in a lot of pain and he said that was unexpected. He also said that he wishes I would have told him earlier. (I don't know how I was supposed to know that, which he also said, but he knows now.) Then, he went in to dig out some crud from my sinuses, and I had a vasovagal response where I almost passed out. (This has happened before, I think when they hit a certain nerve up there.) So, he gave me some different antibiotics to take in case I was getting an infection.
Then, we head to Walgreen's to fill my prescription and then over the Guard Tower to get some D&D minis. I found three that I liked. As we were checking out of the Guard Tower my stomach started to hurt a little bit. Then, I got in the car and it started to hurt more. By the time we pulled out of the parking lot I was having the worst pain of my life. My stomach was cramping so bad that I couldn't talk, or think, or see. It eased up after a few minutes, and some frantic driving from Wayland who was trying to find a hospital. But, then the pain came back on strong. By the time we got to the hospital it was excruciating again. Wayland ran in and got some help and came out followed by a man with a wheelchair. As I was wheeled in the pain started to lessen again and I was able to give my name and date of birth. I had one more wave of pain as I got my IV started. The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes or so. I hope I never have anything like that ever again.
Recently, my dear friend, Joe was treating me with some Reiki and taught me about Shanti. "Peace with every breath," he said. Somewhere in the midst of the pain I could hear him in my head. I could feel his hands on my stomach holding me. I could hear him whisper "shanti" into my ear. I held my hands on my stomach and tried to take deep, relaxing breaths. I chanted "shanti" over and over again. As the pain subsided for the last time in the hospital, I begged the goddess Epona to give me strength and take the pain away. She did.
So maybe this entry is about my spirituality, not my pain. Wouldn't that be nice. I've never been much of the religious type. I was raised Catholic, went to an all girls Catholic high school even. I loved my Catholic education and am thankful for it. I'm lucky to have extremely open minded parents. They never pushed religion on me, not being very religious themselves. We always believed in God and celebrated Easter and Christmas like good Christians. But, none of us were ever really strong minded Christians or Catholics.
Many of my journeys have started at the Renaissance Festival and my spiritual journey is no different. Several years ago on a wonderful vacay to New Orleans I picked up a book called Italian Witchcraft. I read that book several times, enjoying a glimpse into the life of my ancient ancestors. I just didn't know what to do with it. Recently, I've discovered that I am a Pagan through and through. I love worshiping nature and the earth. It makes sense to me. I'm free, free to worship any goddess or god that has even been worshiped by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Life makes sense and has meaning.
I wear my pentacle as a proud sign of my beliefs and practices, even though few know what it means.
Today, I'm going to cast a circle and sit awhile. I'm going to start work on cleansing my chakras and perform some Reiki to make myself feel better. I think that yesterday was a reminder. I need to take care of myself and I have the power to do it.
Hopefully, when I go see my doctors next week I will get some good news and show some improving signs of health. That's what I'm planning on anyhow.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Dear February in Ohio,
Dear February in Ohio,
I hate you. I hate your below freezing temperatures. I hate that it's too cold to go ride. I've ridden in the teens before, and my fingers almost fell off. I'm not going to even attempt single digits (pun intended.) I hate that all you have is snow and cold and this sun that tempts me to go outside because sunny days should mean warm days. I miss warm days. I'm ready for spring, and summer, and fall. I'm ready for rain, mud, sunbathing, swimming, faire rehearsals, riding in tank tops, and sweating in all the glory that is the 80's.
There is a big part of me that wants to embrace 6 degrees Fahrenheit. I want to bundle up and go play with the dogs and ride my horses. And maybe I should just suck it up. Complaining hasn't gotten us anywhere. . .ever. But, I'm just letting you know that I'm threatening to leave. I don't want to. But, I'm sick and tired of your frigid winters, full of snow and ice. Arizona is looking pretty darn good right about now. You better shape up before this Ohioan decides to find a clime better suited to being outdoors every day of the year. I won't even miss snow at Christmas, I betcha.
I used to stand up for you too! And this is how you treat me?! I always said, "I like winter. I enjoy getting all bundled up and riding." And I meant it too! But, you have gone too far! It's been below freezing for 3 months now. Maybe you've forgotten how the year works. There are 12 months in a year. There are 4 seasons. That means each season is 3 months long. You are over. It is time for spring. Tomorrow, I expect all of this snow to melt, and it should be 40 degrees outside. Then, you can work up to the 50's for next week. I fully expect 60 degrees by April and 70 by May. If you could just cooperate you'd make a whole lot of people happy. And when people are happy they are more willing to work. Thus, more things will get accomplished and life will move on as it should.
I'll be sure to thank you properly while I'm out brushing the mud off of Smokey for an hour before I can even think about riding him.
Your former love,
Tina
I hate you. I hate your below freezing temperatures. I hate that it's too cold to go ride. I've ridden in the teens before, and my fingers almost fell off. I'm not going to even attempt single digits (pun intended.) I hate that all you have is snow and cold and this sun that tempts me to go outside because sunny days should mean warm days. I miss warm days. I'm ready for spring, and summer, and fall. I'm ready for rain, mud, sunbathing, swimming, faire rehearsals, riding in tank tops, and sweating in all the glory that is the 80's.
There is a big part of me that wants to embrace 6 degrees Fahrenheit. I want to bundle up and go play with the dogs and ride my horses. And maybe I should just suck it up. Complaining hasn't gotten us anywhere. . .ever. But, I'm just letting you know that I'm threatening to leave. I don't want to. But, I'm sick and tired of your frigid winters, full of snow and ice. Arizona is looking pretty darn good right about now. You better shape up before this Ohioan decides to find a clime better suited to being outdoors every day of the year. I won't even miss snow at Christmas, I betcha.
I used to stand up for you too! And this is how you treat me?! I always said, "I like winter. I enjoy getting all bundled up and riding." And I meant it too! But, you have gone too far! It's been below freezing for 3 months now. Maybe you've forgotten how the year works. There are 12 months in a year. There are 4 seasons. That means each season is 3 months long. You are over. It is time for spring. Tomorrow, I expect all of this snow to melt, and it should be 40 degrees outside. Then, you can work up to the 50's for next week. I fully expect 60 degrees by April and 70 by May. If you could just cooperate you'd make a whole lot of people happy. And when people are happy they are more willing to work. Thus, more things will get accomplished and life will move on as it should.
I'll be sure to thank you properly while I'm out brushing the mud off of Smokey for an hour before I can even think about riding him.
Your former love,
Tina
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Enjoy Wonder
I put some much effort into school these last few years, that I lost track of how important many things are to me. All I've been able to think about this past week is getting back to writing my book. It's the second book I've started and left unfinished. And I'm itching to pick it back up again. So many ideas run through my head. This winter I hope to finish it. I'm combining many of my favorite things into one story - characters I've never seen together before. I wonder what I will call it. I wonder if it will become a series. I wonder if you'll be able to buy it in stores. I enjoy wonder.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Luke is named after the Jedi
Today I will take my last test of the quarter. Next week are my two final exams. I hope they are my last final exams for awhile. I'm ready to focus on the therapy program. Laurie and I already have a great program lined up. Now, I just need to get all the paper work together, get the website up, and work on getting brochures and business cards printed. After Christmas I plan on starting to pitch our program to hospitals and schools in the greater Cincinnati area. It is a good program. It will work for the kids that need it and attend it - even if they have to go through the program more than once. I wish I had something like it when I was younger. Thankfully, I had Laurie as a role model and I turned out great.
For those of you who don't know Laurie Stober, she was my religion teacher my freshmen year of high school. She has one arm and a son named Luke. Back in high school I asked her if she named him after Luke Skywalker. She said no, he was named after Luke from the bible. I still think anyone named Luke is named after the Jedi. I digress, as usual. Laurie made high school religion fun. We filmed a soap opera about Bathsheba. All I really remember about that is that we made tampon commercials to make the soap opera more realistic, and I think, Bathsheba took a bath on the roof of a building somewhere. She also lead the Outdoors Club, Laurie, not Bathsheba. We took a camping trip where we played football and told ghost stories in a scary, dark, old barn. One of her friends, disguised as some crazy guy came through the side of the barn with an axe, just like in the story. It was a trip I'll never forget, just like Laurie.
I used to sit on her desk after school and eat her candy and bug her. But, she never seemed to be bothered by it. She left Seton High School after my sophomore year and I missed her dearly. I'd think of her from time to time over the next 13 years or so. I always remembered her fondly and sent out many a "thank you" to the universe to deliver to her for being such a great role model. I told countless people about my one armed religion teacher. Recounting those days made me realize that having her in my life helped me get through a lot of tough times - times when I was full of doubt, self pity, and uncertainty. But, if she could get through the loss of an arm and still be so upbeat, then I could conquer anything.
As fate would have it, I ran into her in a restaurant one evening. I heard someone call my name and looked around. There she was, sitting with a few other woman by the bar. I almost cried when I saw her. The woman who had such an impact on my life recognized me and remembered me after all these years. I sat and talked with her, introduced her to my husband and we exchanged phone numbers. We got in touch a few days later and realized we both shared a common love for horses. She had a small therapy program where she counseled trouble teenagers through sharing her horses with them. And she needed a horse trainer to help her out. Lo and behold this horse trainer was more than willing to help out.
I started at Full Circle Therapy in the summer of 2010, 15 years after first meeting Laurie Stober. My hope is that Full Circle Therapy can touch the lives of young people all over Ohio and help them find their inner beauty and their way to enjoy life and to enjoy being who they are. I know that my hopes and dreams are in motion because of her.
For those of you who don't know Laurie Stober, she was my religion teacher my freshmen year of high school. She has one arm and a son named Luke. Back in high school I asked her if she named him after Luke Skywalker. She said no, he was named after Luke from the bible. I still think anyone named Luke is named after the Jedi. I digress, as usual. Laurie made high school religion fun. We filmed a soap opera about Bathsheba. All I really remember about that is that we made tampon commercials to make the soap opera more realistic, and I think, Bathsheba took a bath on the roof of a building somewhere. She also lead the Outdoors Club, Laurie, not Bathsheba. We took a camping trip where we played football and told ghost stories in a scary, dark, old barn. One of her friends, disguised as some crazy guy came through the side of the barn with an axe, just like in the story. It was a trip I'll never forget, just like Laurie.
I used to sit on her desk after school and eat her candy and bug her. But, she never seemed to be bothered by it. She left Seton High School after my sophomore year and I missed her dearly. I'd think of her from time to time over the next 13 years or so. I always remembered her fondly and sent out many a "thank you" to the universe to deliver to her for being such a great role model. I told countless people about my one armed religion teacher. Recounting those days made me realize that having her in my life helped me get through a lot of tough times - times when I was full of doubt, self pity, and uncertainty. But, if she could get through the loss of an arm and still be so upbeat, then I could conquer anything.
As fate would have it, I ran into her in a restaurant one evening. I heard someone call my name and looked around. There she was, sitting with a few other woman by the bar. I almost cried when I saw her. The woman who had such an impact on my life recognized me and remembered me after all these years. I sat and talked with her, introduced her to my husband and we exchanged phone numbers. We got in touch a few days later and realized we both shared a common love for horses. She had a small therapy program where she counseled trouble teenagers through sharing her horses with them. And she needed a horse trainer to help her out. Lo and behold this horse trainer was more than willing to help out.
I started at Full Circle Therapy in the summer of 2010, 15 years after first meeting Laurie Stober. My hope is that Full Circle Therapy can touch the lives of young people all over Ohio and help them find their inner beauty and their way to enjoy life and to enjoy being who they are. I know that my hopes and dreams are in motion because of her.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Too Much Tolkien
I am a good horse trainer. I understand horses and I think they know it. I'm a good teacher. I think it's because I wish everyone could spend time with horses and enjoy it as much as I do. If everyone could be happy with a horse this world would be a better place. Sometimes I think about how much work I've put into being a student. I want to put that much work into being a successful horse trainer. I know that nursing school wasn't the "easy road" but, that's how it feels for me. Because the hard road is working to make a living at what I love most, working with horses. And the easy road is doing what society says is a good idea, a safe bet, or a good safety net. Although I ride with a helmet I do not want to take the safe road; I'll take the uphill, rocky climb any day.
I think it's time for me to get back on the hard road. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" and I think I took the wrong road. It is not too late for me to go back and take the one less travelled by for it calls to me for my feet to trodden its leaves black. I know its my chosen path because my heart pounds and my hands get cold at the thought of taking the hard road, the road I've desired to take my entire life, the road of a woman struggling to swim against the stream. Yet I will smile and enjoy the water splashing in my face. For my life is my own.
I can do this for the rest of my life and be proud, happy, and prosperous.
And, if one day I find myself again going down the wrong road, I'll find another. Life has many roads and I will enjoy them one day at a time. I am lucky to have a supportive husband throughout all of this. More than anything else he wants to see me happy, that's why "we" have four horses. But, he understands that my strong will can accomplish anything. So far in life I've accomplished every goal I've set my mind on. And I will not stop here. When I find myself at the fork in the road again, I'll just ask him what he thinks, grab his hand and enjoy the journey. At least we'll be together.
I will no longer feel like butter scraped over too much bread. I will put my ear to the ground and follow the Uruk-hai to rescue Merri and Pippen. . . ok, I think I'm getting carried away here. Too much Tolkien.
I think it's time for me to get back on the hard road. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" and I think I took the wrong road. It is not too late for me to go back and take the one less travelled by for it calls to me for my feet to trodden its leaves black. I know its my chosen path because my heart pounds and my hands get cold at the thought of taking the hard road, the road I've desired to take my entire life, the road of a woman struggling to swim against the stream. Yet I will smile and enjoy the water splashing in my face. For my life is my own.
I can do this for the rest of my life and be proud, happy, and prosperous.
And, if one day I find myself again going down the wrong road, I'll find another. Life has many roads and I will enjoy them one day at a time. I am lucky to have a supportive husband throughout all of this. More than anything else he wants to see me happy, that's why "we" have four horses. But, he understands that my strong will can accomplish anything. So far in life I've accomplished every goal I've set my mind on. And I will not stop here. When I find myself at the fork in the road again, I'll just ask him what he thinks, grab his hand and enjoy the journey. At least we'll be together.
I will no longer feel like butter scraped over too much bread. I will put my ear to the ground and follow the Uruk-hai to rescue Merri and Pippen. . . ok, I think I'm getting carried away here. Too much Tolkien.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The Way to Ideal Gratification
I love quiet, early mornings in my kitchen. It makes me long for the day when I'm getting up early to feed hungry horses. It's the reason I decided to go to nursing school, so we could afford a farm of our own. I want to say that I'm lucky to have married a man who decided to intertwine his future abode with my horse farm, but it's not luck. It's the best decision I ever made in a man. Goddess knows I made plenty of bad decisions when it came to men. I dated a guy once when I was younger, and I asked him if he'd be willing to follow me around the world. He said "no." I knew he wasn't the one, although I certainly thought he might have been. But, I was young and naive. At least he taught me something about myself and about men. I knew I wanted to see the world and I knew I wasn't going to live in Cincinnati forever. He wanted to live in Newport, Kentucky for the rest of his life. I told him that maybe one day, when we're old and gray, we'll be sitting next to each other in a diner in downtown Newport and we'll recognize each other. And if we're lonely enough, maybe we'll finally make it work. Of course, now we're friends on facebook, so I imagine we'll always know what each other looks like, where we work and live, and where we're going to be on any given day. Which I'm ok with; I can avoid him. Don't get me wrong, I wish him the best in life. We had many fun times together. But, I am soooo happy that I didn't marry him. I guess that's why I had to go through all those men, to find out which ones I didn't want to marry.
I found this picture today. It's their barn and their house rolled into one! Wayland would never be far away if we had something like this. When I've got a stack of hay getting ready to fall on me I could just yell for him and he'd hear me! It's something to think about. Maybe this guy (who's an equine estate realtor down in Kentucky) would let me visit his place.
Anyway, the whole point of my morning, and most mornings lately, is that I want my own farm with my own horses in my backyard, and my own tack in my barn. That's why I decided to be a nurse. I wanted to be able to afford my own place. I've never had a place to call my own. This dream means so much to me. I've accomplished all of my other dreams so far in life. I have horses (although I only ever wanted one), I have my dogs, my cats, and my wonderfully supportive husband. I'm only missing one thing. I guess I am in a bit of a hurry to get it. Although, I know it's coming to me. All good things take time. When you wait 30 years for something, you do expect perfection though. And I've always been one who enjoys instant gratification, hence all the previous men. But, at least I have the evidence to show that instant gratification is very rarely the way to ideal gratification.
I guess it's time to do some homework now. I've only got two weeks of class left in my quarter, and then finals. God and Goddess, help me to get through the remainder of this quarter. Then, I've only got one more quarter of classes, and one more quarter of clinicals until I graduate. You should start preparing now for my graduation party in June. It's going to be BIG!
 | ||
| Barn/House |
Anyway, the whole point of my morning, and most mornings lately, is that I want my own farm with my own horses in my backyard, and my own tack in my barn. That's why I decided to be a nurse. I wanted to be able to afford my own place. I've never had a place to call my own. This dream means so much to me. I've accomplished all of my other dreams so far in life. I have horses (although I only ever wanted one), I have my dogs, my cats, and my wonderfully supportive husband. I'm only missing one thing. I guess I am in a bit of a hurry to get it. Although, I know it's coming to me. All good things take time. When you wait 30 years for something, you do expect perfection though. And I've always been one who enjoys instant gratification, hence all the previous men. But, at least I have the evidence to show that instant gratification is very rarely the way to ideal gratification.
I guess it's time to do some homework now. I've only got two weeks of class left in my quarter, and then finals. God and Goddess, help me to get through the remainder of this quarter. Then, I've only got one more quarter of classes, and one more quarter of clinicals until I graduate. You should start preparing now for my graduation party in June. It's going to be BIG!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
It's Wednesday
Strider is laying on top of Tempie, chewing on "snurffle ball" and making whiney "I'm gonna eat your face" noises. I have a cup of coffee. I can hear Wayland in the bathroom getting out of the shower. It's a morning full of life, my life. I like my life. I like where it has taken me, and all the journeys I encountered along the way. Ten years ago I could have never predicted I'd be here, in this chair, in this house, with these dogs, married to this man. I love my life.
Ten years ago I kept a journal. I wrote in it every day. I told it about who broke my heart, who I kissed, what I bought at the mall, and in which city I last saw *NSYNC. Those were good days. So, I'll pick it up again. Only this time I'll give blogging a shot. Let's see how good my targeting is.
Another faire season has just ended and another cast party is behind us. I must say I'm thankful for social networking sites that keep all of us connected in the off season. I remember my first few years of faire. Megan and I shopped all winter, just the two of us. Now, I can't get rid of these people! All year long there are parties, and dinners, and gatherings! It truly is a blessing to be surrounded by rennies all year long. I look forward to this weekend when I get to go pick apples and pumpkins with my brothers and sisters of my coven. Another day spent with rennies, followed by more delicious food at the Gubbe residence. Is it Saturday yet? No.
It's Wednesday. Another day of class, homework, and studying. All I have to do is make it through the rest of this quarter. Then, I get to enjoy another month off, hopefully a month full of riding my horses. I get to kick it off with a friend's wedding and a weekend get-a-way with Wayland. December is going to be a good month. I will be sad to see October go, as always. But, I welcome the impending winter, which in turn will skip spring entirely and go straight to summer. Which once again brings us back to faire.
Ten years ago I kept a journal. I wrote in it every day. I told it about who broke my heart, who I kissed, what I bought at the mall, and in which city I last saw *NSYNC. Those were good days. So, I'll pick it up again. Only this time I'll give blogging a shot. Let's see how good my targeting is.
Another faire season has just ended and another cast party is behind us. I must say I'm thankful for social networking sites that keep all of us connected in the off season. I remember my first few years of faire. Megan and I shopped all winter, just the two of us. Now, I can't get rid of these people! All year long there are parties, and dinners, and gatherings! It truly is a blessing to be surrounded by rennies all year long. I look forward to this weekend when I get to go pick apples and pumpkins with my brothers and sisters of my coven. Another day spent with rennies, followed by more delicious food at the Gubbe residence. Is it Saturday yet? No.
It's Wednesday. Another day of class, homework, and studying. All I have to do is make it through the rest of this quarter. Then, I get to enjoy another month off, hopefully a month full of riding my horses. I get to kick it off with a friend's wedding and a weekend get-a-way with Wayland. December is going to be a good month. I will be sad to see October go, as always. But, I welcome the impending winter, which in turn will skip spring entirely and go straight to summer. Which once again brings us back to faire.
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